16/11/2011

Reflection

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, my phone broke and my exams are on, so nothing interesting for anyone to see. Posting now because I need to rant, like have this rant so huge your eyes will pop out after it. If you know me, and I haven't told you about this, be warned- mention it to me and I will be incredibly mad. No one should really see this though, considering I only have about 6 followers.

Just on monday I got some serious stuff from the doctor that I'm not going to say directly. It is so unbelievably unlike me that I can't even begin to describe it. I'm tense and nervous all the time, I have panic attacks at least once every two days. I'm usually really relaxed and positive but now I feel like there's no point in doing anything, everyone and everything angers me, and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. And usually I'm the one who's helping my friends out when they've got problems. I just don't know how to deal with myself. I'd give anything to be feeling back to normal.

My parents fucking know shit all about it. Honestly, they both have absolutely no idea how to treat me. My mum keeps going from up to down, she's so so overly nice and protective that I want her to go the fuck away, but then when I'm having a panic/asthma attack and vomiting from stress she tells me she needs sleep or screams at me and tells me I'm being ridiculous. My dad just seems to think that I'll get over it if I try, and I know it's my mind and it's my fault that I'm like this but I really can't see a way out of it. My friends aren't concerned, but that's fine considering I didn't tell them.

I just fucking hate being in this state of mind. I cry at everything, I scream at people for no reason, I've stopped eating properly because I want to lose weight, and I know it's wrong. I do, but I just don't know how to get out of it. Exams probably aren't helping right now. But I feel like I'm drowning in my feelings and I can't resurface. I act perfectly normal to everyone but underneath I just feel so desperately upset, and I hate it. I know people have a lot worse situations than I do, and I have absolutely no reason to be like this- but I am, and I can't help that. And I know that one of my best friends thinks that I'm doing it all for attention, but I've had to deal with someone doing that and dumping all of her "problems" on me and I absolutely hated it, so I know that I can't bother them with what's going on, because they'll be like fuck off. So this is how I'll have to get it out I guess, and it's not fun, and I wish I could do it another way, but I feel like my only other alternative is to bottle it up so much until something bad happens, like cutting myself or something, and I don't want to turn into a "freak" as my mother so lovelily pointed out this afternoon.

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